Most of the "Juan is a big fat liar." pain is gone, with only a few pangs of jealousy and even smaller bouts of rage. Maybe I'm so good at closing my eyes and refusing to see the world, it actually worked this time. I feel no pain really, some sadness. I think should see a shrink to deal with the sad, empty feeling I have been having since about 11th grade when I stopped going to school and stopped caring about everything. I don't think a shrink will help, but its like a means to an end I guess. But yeah, against my will I'm awaiting Juan's arrival, last week I was awaiting it in a sort of "YOU BUMB ASS TRIFLIN ASS NIGGA LEMME TELL U SUMTHIN..." And now its kinda like "Oh..Juan's coming home in 9 days? Maybe we'll make up and go to the beach." "Oh its only a few days away now, what should I wear when I see him?" "Oh should I fuck him now or make him wait?" People think I'm stupid, maybe I am. But if its not worth fighting for you never really loved it from the start. I very way just let him go but it wouldnt be for me. It would be to save face, so people don't look down on me for taking him back. I can't help that I don't hate him, I don't know why it hardly hurts at all now, I dunno why I'm looking back so fondly on us and not looking back on the things that upset me. I don't know what it is about him. His charm, his good looks, the laughs we have, but really I think its the way he hugs me, when he looks in my eyes and all I see is love, that he looks out for me,he protects me. maybe he is just a smooth talker, until he comes home all I have is maybe. At least I'm not waiting in pain.

It would be lovely to turn back time though. If I stay or if I go, things wont be the same.

Love is a crazy thing, sounds cliche but it really does make your actions warped, your thinking warped, your ability to rationalize warped.