C.R.E.A.M

Growing up the way I did, the "unlimited," spending limit I always had, That part of my life is over. I understand and accept that. I'm a simple girl I don't need much, a ceiling over my head food and internet is pretty much all I need. Where I live, how pretty or ugly the area does not affect me, I adapt to my surroundings better than anyone you will care to know. But I have never known what it is to literally to be flat broke, to literally just having no more than 5 bucks in a week. I can't buy clothes, once my metrocard expires I will barely be able to travel. I can't run around the city like I used to, I can barley get from riverdale ave to 231st street. I don't want to rely on my mother for money she doesn't have, I don't want to buy clothes from unique anymore, I don't want to go to my grandma's 3 times a week to eat anymore. I don't want my new brother to live this way. I want him to get what he wants like I did when I was a kid. I feel trapped in the financial situation and I can't get out, there is no way out of it. I apply for jobs all day, craigslist is almost always open in my browser and its just not happening.

I start class on the 6th and I have 2 pairs of sandals, 1 pair of flats, 1 pair of shorts, 2 pairs of tights, 3 shirts, and a dress. And I'm gonna have to make that work for the rest of the summer. I just want out, I feel so desperate and there is really nothing I can do for my family, my brother on the way or myself. I'll have to pay Devon's bf back for the harry potter ticket and thats going to break my bank until the next week. But it was something that I needed I need at least one care free day.

I dream about money, I think about it all day, I stare longingly at the cash box in check out lines, I fantasize about work, I think back to the days where I used to pay for everyone if they needed so we could all have a good time. Now everyone pays for me. I apply to every store I see. Why is nothing working.

I feel so trapped.