C.R.E.A.M

Growing up the way I did, the "unlimited," spending limit I always had, That part of my life is over. I understand and accept that. I'm a simple girl I don't need much, a ceiling over my head food and internet is pretty much all I need. Where I live, how pretty or ugly the area does not affect me, I adapt to my surroundings better than anyone you will care to know. But I have never known what it is to literally to be flat broke, to literally just having no more than 5 bucks in a week. I can't buy clothes, once my metrocard expires I will barely be able to travel. I can't run around the city like I used to, I can barley get from riverdale ave to 231st street. I don't want to rely on my mother for money she doesn't have, I don't want to buy clothes from unique anymore, I don't want to go to my grandma's 3 times a week to eat anymore. I don't want my new brother to live this way. I want him to get what he wants like I did when I was a kid. I feel trapped in the financial situation and I can't get out, there is no way out of it. I apply for jobs all day, craigslist is almost always open in my browser and its just not happening.

I start class on the 6th and I have 2 pairs of sandals, 1 pair of flats, 1 pair of shorts, 2 pairs of tights, 3 shirts, and a dress. And I'm gonna have to make that work for the rest of the summer. I just want out, I feel so desperate and there is really nothing I can do for my family, my brother on the way or myself. I'll have to pay Devon's bf back for the harry potter ticket and thats going to break my bank until the next week. But it was something that I needed I need at least one care free day.

I dream about money, I think about it all day, I stare longingly at the cash box in check out lines, I fantasize about work, I think back to the days where I used to pay for everyone if they needed so we could all have a good time. Now everyone pays for me. I apply to every store I see. Why is nothing working.

I feel so trapped.

AND

I wanna fucking have an awesome drunken summer experiance that I have trouble remembering.

Lately I have been having really intimate dreams about other guys, specifically guys I have crushes on that never went anywhere. It always involves me kissing or getting somewhere with a guy, then he suddenly picks up in leaves like the pizza rape one. I'm not complaining its a HUGE step up from nightmares, but it kinda makes me feel bad that I'm enjoying them lol. Other than that, its really annoying to me for him to leave his phone and laptop here so he has no way to contact me. And 'm horny as hell, bah if someone could just take care of that aspect for me, that would be lovely, but lol the world doesn't work that way, just gotta wait it out I guess.

Totaly unrelated I really need a job, really realllllllllly need a job, it isnt even funny, I'm so broke that i dont even have a clever saying to describe how broke I am. Seriously NOT FUN. There are alot of things I need to do for the summer that mean a lot to me, and I can't afford any of it at this point. Yeah its late so this blog is not following any cohesive. pattern.

Tired as fuck, but I havent been updating as much XD. peaceee.

weirdness

Ok so amongst the crop of insufferable nightmares I deal with on a regular basis last night or today whatever... I had a dream that someone I know was making scary sexual advances , and being all kids of lewd I would run he would give chase,then the guy in the dream tried to make a rape....but it all stopped cuz we forgot about the pizza we orded and wenback to pick it up. =( seriously weird dream, even stranger is that I was a little turned on when I woke up, so rape and pizza is key to a romantic night with denise I guess.

back to the drawing board

Tnow that my boy troubles are resolved i can back to writing about the other stuff i have meant to write. it is 3 months til nyaf and I am really excited, I have come up with a super cool theme outfit for Saturday, imy outfit sarahs and jennifers outfit will all have a matching theme, so with only 3 months to go I have start buying fabric, accesories and making the dress. Its gonna be hard work nd will take a good chunk of my time but I think making a garment yourself is worth it, you get to admire your own work and watch it grow from some cloth and pins to something amazing, so my nyaf Saturday outfit will be my 1st real stab at a dress and not just cutting things up to change its shape.... I'm nervous but with the help of my friends and seamstress gramma, I think ill be fine

Super exited.

Pardon the shitty speling and grammar I'm writing this on the train XD

I went and made a top 10

My sexiest song list cuz Devon's only had 2!

1. Digital Love- Daft Punk

2. Noche De Sexo- aventura/wisin y yandel

3.NERD Lapdance(lounge mix) some DJ I don't know.

4.Bed-J.Holiday(lame yeah I know but I think its a sexy song >:[ )

5. Interpol-Narc.

6.Iggy pop & the stooges- I wanna be your dog.

7. Dj Flex- Te Quiero

8. Death Cab 4 Cutie- I will posses your heart(I don't know why I like these obsessive stalker like lyrics =/ )

9.Lady with the fan- Cab Calloway.

10. Blink 182- All of this.

11. Biggie ft Lil kim- Get Money.

12. pa k lo pases bien- Arc Angel

13. Frikitona- Plan B

14. Happines is a warm gun- Across the Universe Version.

15.Teaches of Peaches-Peaches.

I just noticed why I never write lists...Cuz I fail at them, there are sexier songs in my book but when I have to list shit, the stuff I wanna put down gets blocked off and I can't remember D:

"Frankly I'm a bit concerned about her constant career changes. This week it's dentist, last week it was pet doctor, the week before teacher Barbie. I think you see my dilemma here."-Ken


"My greatest concern regarding Ken is one word"Commitment. I mean, we've been dating for 35 years now and nothing ever seems to change."-Barbie

Convo with Devon and I.

xDennyMonsterx (2:29:54 AM): I think mostly everyone will find someone even if it is broken and dysfunctional like some older couples are.

xDennyMonsterx (2:30:02 AM): Most people will have someone I think.

xDennyMonsterx (2:30:09 AM): like crack head couples.

cretiiin (2:30:12 AM): LOL.

cretiiin (2:30:17 AM): Yo I fucking adore you.


If crack head couples can stick it out through all their rock smoking adventures, then there is hope for the average person to find if not love, companionship. Of course we all are born and will die alone but I don't really think we're meant to live a life of solitude, we can't truly be happy alone.

So.

I did the baby shower thang this weekend...And thank god its over, like really thank god XD It was fun but it was alot of planning and work. I actually don't feel like writing about but I'm post a blog about so everyone knows it happend XD

Whore: Break down of a word.

I don't believe in the word whore.

Yeah that's the whole blog.

New summer, new me?

Weight Loss

So I have been going hard at the gym , and overall improving my eating habits for about a month and a half and i think the results are starting to show.

Some pics of me a few months ago.




Pics from today.









I look like ballsack today so yeah coverd my face.

But any I think there is some difference in the way i lookz.

Fashion =O

I'm thinking of not only basing my blog on myself, but on fashion and make-up. I'm currently trying to learn how to form clothes and I'm currently infatuated with a few different sub cultures, namely Lolita and 50's pin up/rockabilly. Yesterday i was fiddling around with my hair and made a kinda 50's do maybe I'll put a tutorial up about it. its not very good though XD.










^Just a little bang detail, ignore my messy room^

I dunno I did it better last night but have no photos of it :(

Tommorow i will post a himegyaru hair style, and friday I'll post lolita hair complete with minihat.