Is this all there is?

Constant struggle is that all we have? Is this all i have to look forward to? Is this it? This is the "real," world?

It's fucking shitty. And it's pissing me off.

Through all this muck and dirt, my shiny badge of optimism is being tarnished and is barley even visible at all anymore.




Emo post is emo.

Fuck.

All I wanna do is help, and there is nothing I can do. It is the most awful feeling. Right guy, wrong time.

Nothing I can do for him, nothing at all.

:(

News flash: I'm a dumbass/terrible person.

If you read mt blogs enough that means you know or can guess why Im a terrible person.

God damnnnnnnnn

I never has so much sexual tension with a dude in my life, I think its easier to just do it and viola no more tension. But I'm doing this waiting thing, and Walter is the last guy I would expect to be in this situation with. But I don't think I can hang out with him alone if im supposed to wait a while for the sex part, public hangouts only. fuck fuck fuck, this is crazzzzzy. In class today after he dropped me off I felt like I was gonna cry lol so I just went to sleep in class. I'm supposed to chill with him alone on friday wish me luck~

How?

How do you achieve male friends without them liking you? Every time I have had a potential friendship with a guy it always comes to -Relationship or gtfo- CANT I JUST HAVE A GUY FRIEND FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE?

I like the guy I met yesterday, but whether I would like him as friend or something else remains to be seen, why say you like me so soon? Now I feel pressured to date him I know its possible for guys and girls to be friends, but apparently not for me. I seriously don't feel like dating right now after Juan. But this guy is super cool and I want to see where the friendship goes, I hate feeling like I HAVE to see him in a Romantic light, fuck it if he doesnt wanna just be my friend thats just peachy.

Smile

I know what to let go of, I know the things that are unreachable, I know the shallow wants I had.

Closure had provided me with a smile so big, a feeling so content I just wanna spread my happiness to everyone.

Nothing beats knowing when to just let go, and going with it peacefully, not painfully.

11.14.08-7.12.09<3

teen movie friday-saturday

So after I met up with sarah and came home my friend Julio from highschool IM'd me cuz he now lives a block away from me so we're now local hang buddies, but anyway. I told him "I wont walk you past fordham plaza I don't like meeting new people, and I'm terrified of meeting new guys." "Nah just come with." So I went, met up with his friends one was this skinny Nazi wannabe named willie, and a black guy forgot his name coulda been rob. We all hung out in fordham plaza for hoursss laughing and talking about video games at around 3 AM I got tired, Julio bought me some kennedy fired chicken<3 Then we went to his house where he was like "wanna meet up with a friend of mine?" I was like sure why not? So we walked to tremont, we waited on a bench in front of the d I feel kinda asleep on julio lol, then walter came and here is where the adventure really begins.

Walter is a chocolate man, with large eyes I thought he was black but he was dominican, at 1st I thought he was very mater o fact, and kind of a douche bag very stuffy and stiff. Well he is still stiff but not any of the other things. We sat he stood there and we talked for a bit, just laughing and being goofy, walter makes me laugh alot. We then went to a bodega, one weird thing is everything I wanted was bought for me no matter how much I protested. Julio got us all beers and we had to chug, I lost, then we just kept walking, a few times I didnt know quite where I was we ended up at a park chug contest again I lost. By this time it was full on daylight,julio wanted some platano con salami so we went to a resturant got him his fix and went back to him house, went home got changed and came back to his house. Julio got tired so I went with walter to his house which we walked to, which was on the other side of the concourse, the whole time we walked we really clicked I never get so used to guys that fast, so much so when I told him I was shy he didnt believe me. We pretty much just fought, I called him a punkhe called me difficult, then I would pretend to agree with him sounding really hurt. I thought whats this feeling? this is the feeling of having a conversation with a guy and sharing what you have in common, not just joking around. With juan I forgot that feeling we talked about everything from anime to how I think one day technology will just be implanted in us and how I think robot human hybrids would be awesome lol. We get to his he has a small but cozy room I make myself comfortable right away, he shows me his sims 3.

**note** I forgot to mention what he a computer wizz and is a game modder mod the sims 2 one of the largest sim modification sites he is a modder for, so I have actualy downloaded some of his things. now I met him.**note**

Then we get down to buisness I beat him a good 7 times with ZANGIEF FOR THE CRUSH. I crush u 4 russia.

I told him about juan and he said "I'm actually jealous of him, he has an amazing beautiful girl and he fucked it up." which would usually my que to leave but instead i fell asleep untill he woke me up and got me general tso's with mushrooms.

I ended up with him in and out of sleep untill 8 got home and went straight to bed

It was fun me n walter have so far made plans to get wasted(again) go hookah and go to china town n play ddr

Dancing Fagz

If you decided you wanna play ddr at the same time I am, don't be a douche and change the options like a dick and make me lose. Don't.

I had a nice day with the Sarah today, met up with her at 1 something and we took the 1. It was a pretty fast ride which was good, we got off at 14th street and the japs have turned st marks into little japan, pretty azn boyz. I need to try that new ramen shop looks yummy. Anyway walked from st marks to china town, had a total of 15 dumplings XD. Played DDR I have gotten better from not playing at all lol. Two of the scenest black people I have ever seen, the guy had a badly bleached afro XD girl had shorts cut so short I could see her vagina, and her hair was like WHOA, but they were pretty friendly the guy was nice even though I failed like every song. Then this fag decides ruing my game would be swell :( I'm too broke to play one song cause dicks wanna fuck shit up. After we were done we left and we were pretty fucking tired, by the time we were at the mall looking at trinkets and what not my body was shot, too much walking and such. Me and sarah parted ways she took the 1 I took the 4 got home at 8 and had a swell ol time.

boring post, but i already wrote it so I'm gonna post it.

I wanted a large chested awkward anime figurine :)

FUCK.

WILL YOU JUST FUCK OFF GOD DAMN, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET OVER YOU AND LIVE LIFE WHEN YOUR SUCH A DICCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKK, HOP OFF!!!! FFFFFFFFFF-

IMing me talking shit, your making me feel like a fool, if your gonna be a DICK stop this shiiiiiiiiiiiit

CHIQUI RACING... says:
holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
deniseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
mi amorrrrrrrrrr
belllaaaaaaaaaaaadepapiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii


CHIQUI RACING... says:
siiiii
te amooooo
de niseeee
I be there next week babyyyyyyyy

CHIQUI RACING... says:
siii
yeahhhh
l wanna be there babyyy

CUT THAT SHIT OUT, WHAT KIND OF DUMBASS DO I LOOK LIKE? IM SO FUCKING HEATED RIGHT NOW FUCK OFF WITH THAT NOISE. ALL OF THE SHIT YOU SAID JUST NOW WTFFFF WHY ARE YOU PUTTING ME THROUGH THIS, I STOP THINKING ABOUT YOU AND YOU FUCK WITH ME.

Seriously fuck ouuuuuuut of hereeeeee, When I see you I'm going to fucking kick you in the fucking nutssssss.

Don't just IM me like everything is fucking PEACHY with that i miss you babyyy i need you lindaaaa te kero mamiii linda de papiiii BULLSHIT.

"No puedo vivir sin ti mamiiii."


EAT A DICK. Empty words, from an empty little man. Next time you wanna IM me from DR when your fucking some other bitch do me a favor AND FUCK THE FUCK OFF. And try any of that cute broken English shit and I'll break your face.

Now I'm gonna have a good strong drink.

As much as I'm trying to fight it, you still have my heart. It still belongs to you even though im fighting to make it my own again. FUUUUCK MY LIFEEE right now, I know everyone must be getting sick of this doom and gloom blogging I got going on but its really only been a week and a half. Gotta let it out till its all gone.

i miss getting laid 9(ish) times a week.

I really do.

FML.

Other than that sleep time at 1:30 since i literally skip sleep altogether sometimes I found this blog worthy.

Night night

Most of the "Juan is a big fat liar." pain is gone, with only a few pangs of jealousy and even smaller bouts of rage. Maybe I'm so good at closing my eyes and refusing to see the world, it actually worked this time. I feel no pain really, some sadness. I think should see a shrink to deal with the sad, empty feeling I have been having since about 11th grade when I stopped going to school and stopped caring about everything. I don't think a shrink will help, but its like a means to an end I guess. But yeah, against my will I'm awaiting Juan's arrival, last week I was awaiting it in a sort of "YOU BUMB ASS TRIFLIN ASS NIGGA LEMME TELL U SUMTHIN..." And now its kinda like "Oh..Juan's coming home in 9 days? Maybe we'll make up and go to the beach." "Oh its only a few days away now, what should I wear when I see him?" "Oh should I fuck him now or make him wait?" People think I'm stupid, maybe I am. But if its not worth fighting for you never really loved it from the start. I very way just let him go but it wouldnt be for me. It would be to save face, so people don't look down on me for taking him back. I can't help that I don't hate him, I don't know why it hardly hurts at all now, I dunno why I'm looking back so fondly on us and not looking back on the things that upset me. I don't know what it is about him. His charm, his good looks, the laughs we have, but really I think its the way he hugs me, when he looks in my eyes and all I see is love, that he looks out for me,he protects me. maybe he is just a smooth talker, until he comes home all I have is maybe. At least I'm not waiting in pain.

It would be lovely to turn back time though. If I stay or if I go, things wont be the same.

Love is a crazy thing, sounds cliche but it really does make your actions warped, your thinking warped, your ability to rationalize warped.

i want a summer romance, just someone to make me forget all about the miserable BULLSHIT that is my life currently. Maybe I'll get a guy that speaks English this time. Maybe it will grow to a relationship, maybe not, I don't care I just want fun, and love.

In other news, my real boyfriend Tim Heidecker is now skinny, so 1st seth rogen loses weight , now tim heidecker, then my ex lies his dick off all day.

hamburgers and hotdogs would be nice.

God.

You know I love you, I love taking the 4 because its the train you take to work, I love listening to aventura because it reminds me of you, I love aquaduct park because that's where we make out when its nice outside. I threw out the umbrella you gave me that day when it started pouring, and I was cold and had no coat, I was only wearing a tank top and shorts. I cant look at my big ol sack of condoms, because I won't be using them wit you. I can't look at those pants you love me in, I can't think of my mothers baby shower, I remember when I gave you a hard-on and you tried to hide it and failed. I cant step near the church or, Mcdonalds, white castles, kennedy's. I cant think about coney Island because I wanted to take you for your 1st time. I'll never get to look into your loving brown eyes and trust you again, I'll never be able to give you the soft kisses you love, I cant hear "diablo mami cono, te kero mucho." I cant think about you without wanting to cry,no matter how hard I try I love you, this hurts so bad, it hurt me so bad. i cried so hard my mother thought someone died. I havent stopped crying, I havent stopped thinking about you. This blogs make no sense. I can barely think of my life without you in it since you came into it so suddenly.

But why, what other girl fucks you 5 days a week 4 times a day?
what other girl, gives you head 30 minutes straight no breaks?
I treat you like a fucking king and you took me for granted.
What other girl goes out of her way to make sure your happy.
What other girl loves you and your flaws so much, she doesnt try to change you.
Why did you make me feel like you loved me, if I would have known it was just sex from the start, I would have been ok with that I would not have been made a fool.
I don't hate you I would love to hate you, I want you, I want you so bad.
I put you and your needs before myself and my own EVERYTIME.

This really me just sorting my feelings about you, not a real blog with a cohesive flow, its jumbled its whats comming out of my head while I think of you.

When it comes down to it, do I still want to be with you?YES Do I have the strength to deny you? probably not. Will I have sex with you? I hope I don't give you the satisfaction. No matter how hard I try you're not my ex yet, It isnt done yet, the score remains unsettled. I do know that I can forgive, but never forget your cheating, It will haunt me untill I cut you out of my life. You come home in 2 weeks, I knew this vacation would break us. You let that happen. I was here lone;y, HORNY and I waited I WAITED and you couldnt do that for me. Why IM me while your there while your with her, and tell me I'm yours, only yours. Why tell me that I belong to you, why tell me that your only thinking of me. Why. WHY SPOUT BULLSHIT I do not get why you just leak bullshit. What do you want from me? Why do you need me when you have that better looking girl, that girl that speaks spanish the girl thats everything I'm not you have her why have me to? Why claim me as your own as though you've put a tag on my ear? Why are you so set on having me? what do I offer what do I have. I make no sense. You broke everything that we had. I'll never trust you again.

God I wanna fuck you, I want to hold you, I want you to treat me like you always do, with so much love and care like I'm a doll. I love you chiqui, I won't stop loving you anytime soon. Someone makes this right again. I miss your mane of hair i wanna put my fingers in it, I wanna smell your colonge you always smell great. Your so hot. You want me back. You told me you loved me today. You called me baby today. Why are you making this so hard?

Deniseeeee says:
bye baby
CHIQUI RACING... says:
te kerooooo
lindaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Deniseeeee says:<3


I dont wanna leave. I wanna stay with you. I wish we could.